厄斯金·考德威爾/Erskine Caldwell
The driver stopped at the suspended footbridge and pointed out to me the house across the river.I paid him the quarter fare for the ride from the station two miles away and stepped from the car.After he had gone I was alone with the chill night and the star-pointed lights twinkling in the valley and the broad green river flowing warm below me.All around me the mountains rose like black clouds in the night,and only by looking straight heavenward could I see anything of the dim afterglow of sunset.
The creaking footbridge swayed with the rhythm of my stride and the momentum of its swing soon overcame my pace.Only by walking faster and faster could I cling to the pendulum as it swung in its wide arc over the river.When at last I could see the other side,where the mountain came down abruptly and slid under the warm water,I gripped my handbag tighter and ran with all my might.
Even then,even after my feet had crunched upon the gravel path,I was afraid.I knew that by day I might walk the bridge without fear,but at night,in a strange country,with dark mountains towering all around me and a broad green river flowing beneath me,I could not keep my hands from trembling and my heart from pounding against my chest.
I found the house easily,and laughed at myself for having run from the river.The house was the first one to come upon after leaving the footbridge,and even if I should have missed it,Gretchen would,have called me.She was there on the steps of the porch waiting for me.When I heard her familiar voice calling my name,I was ashamed of myself for having been frightened by the mountains and the broad river flowing below.
She ran down the gravel path to meet me.
“Did the footbridge frighten you,Richard?”she asked excitedly,holding my arm with both of her hands and guiding me up the path to the house.
“I think it did,Gretchen,”I said:“but I hope I outran it.”
“Everyone tries to do that at first,but after going over it once,It’s like walking a tight-rope.I used to walk tight-ropes when I was small-didn’t you do that,too,Richard？We had a rope stretched across the floor of our barn to practice on.”
“I did,too,but It’s been so long ago I’ve forgotten how to do it now.”
We reached the steps and went up to the porch.Gretchen took me to the door.Someone inside the house was bringing a lamp into the hall,and with the coming of the light I saw Gretchens two sisters standing just inside the open door.
“This is my little sister,Anne,”Gretchen said.“And this is Mary.”
I spoke to them in tile semi-darkness,and we went on into the hall.Gretchens father was standing beside a table holding the lamp a little to one side so that he could see my face.I had not met him before.
“This is my father,”Gretchen said.“He was afraid you wouldnt be able to find our house in tile dark.”
“I wanted to bring a light down to the bridge and meet you,but Gretchen said you would get here without any trouble.Did you get lost?I could have brought a lantern down with no trouble at all.”
I shook hands with him and told him how easily I had found the place.
“The hack driver pointed out to me the house from the other side of the river,and I never once look my eyes from the light.If I had lost sight of the light,Id probably be stumbling around somewhere now in the dark down there getting ready to fall into the water.”
He laughed at me for being afraid of tile river.
“You wouldnt have minded it.The river is warm.Even in winter,when there is ice and snow underfoot,the river is as warm as a comfortable room.All of us here love the water down there.”
“No,Richard,you wouldnt have fallen in,”Gretchen said,laying her hand in mine.“I saw you the moment you got out of the hack,and if you had gone a step in the wrong direction,I was ready to run to you.”
I wished to thank Gretchen for saying that,but already she was going to the stairs to the floor above,and calling me.I went with her,lifting my handbag in front of me.There was a shaded lamp,lighted but turned low,on the table at the end of the upper ball,and she picked it up and went ahead into one of the front rooms.
We stood for a moment looking at each other,and silent.
“There is fresh water in the pitcher,Richard.If there is anything else you would like to have,please tell me.I tried not to overlook anything.”
“Dont worry,Gretchen,”I told her.“I couldn’t wish for anything more.It’s enough just to be here with you,anyway.Theres nothing else I care for.”
She looked at me quickly,and then she lowered her eyes.We stood silently for several minutes,while neither of us could think of anything to say.I wanted to tell her how glad I was to be with her,even if it was only for one night,but I knew I could say that to her later.Gretchen knew why I had come.
“I’ll leave the lamp for you,Richard,and I’ll wait down stairs for you on the porch.Come as soon as you are ready.”
She had left before I could offer to carry the light to the stairhead for her to see the way down.By the time I had picked up the lamp,she was out of sight down the stairs.
I walked back into the room and closed the door and bathed my face and hands,scrubbing the train dust with brush and soap.There was a row of hand-embroidered towels on the rack,and I took one and dried my face and bands.After that I combed my hair,and found a fresh handkerchief in the handbag.Then I opened the door and went downstairs to find Gretchen.
Her father was on the porch with her.When I walked through the doorway,he got up and gave me a chair between them.Gretchen pulled her chair closer to mine,touching my arm with her hand.
“Is this the first time you have been up here in the mountains,Richard?”her father asked me,turning in his chair towards me.
“I’ve never been within a hundred miles of here before,sir.It’s a different country up here,but I suppose you would think the same about the coast,wouldnt you？”
“Oh,but Father used to live in Norfolk,”Gretchen said.“Didnt you,Father？”
“I lived there for nearly three years.”
There was something else he would say,and both of us waited for him to continue.
“Father is a master mechanic,”Gretchen whispered to me.“He works in the railroad shops.”
“Yes,”he said after a while.“Ive lived in many places,but here is where I wish to stay.”
My first thought was to ask him why he preferred the mountains to other sections,but suddenly I was aware that both he and Gretchen were strangely silent.Between them,I sat wondering about it.
After a while he spoke again,not to me and not to Gretchen,but as though he were speaking to someone else on the porch,a fourth person whom I had failed to see in the darkness.I waited,tense and excited,for him to continue.
Gretchen moved her chair a few inches closer to mine,her motions gentle and without sound.The warmth of the river came up and covered us like a blanket on a chill night.
“After Gretchen and the other two girls lost their mother,”he said,almost inaudibly,bending forward over his knees and gazing out across the broad green river,“after we lost their mother,I came back to the mountains to live.I couldn’t stay in Norfolk,and I couldn’t stand it in Baltimore.This was the only place on earth where I could find peace.Gretchen remembers her mother,but neither of you can yet understand how it is with me.Her mother and I were born here in the mountains,and we lived here together for almost twenty years.Then after she left us,I moved away,foolishly believing that I could forget.But I was wrong.Of course I was wrong.A man cant forget the mother of his children,even though he knows he will never see her again.”
Gretchen leaned closer to me,and I could not keep my eyes from her darkly framed profile beside me.The river below us made no sound,but the warmth of its vapor would not let me forget that it was still there.
Her father had bent farther forward in his chair until his arms were resting on his knees,and he seemed to be trying to see someone on the other side of the river,high on the mountain top above it.His eyes strained,and the shaft of light that came through the open doorway fell upon them and glistened there.Tears fell from his face like fragments of stars,burning into his quivering hands until they were out of sight.
Presently,still in silence,he got up and moved through the doorway.His huge shadow fell upon Gretchen and me as he stood there momentarily before going inside.I turned and looked toward him but,even though he was passing from sight,I could not keep my eyes upon him.
Gretchen leaned closer against me,squeezing her fingers into the hollow of my hand and touching my shoulder with her cheeks as though she were trying to wipe something from them.Her fathers footsteps grew fainter,and at last we could no longer hear him.
Somewhere below us,along the bank of the river,an express train crashed down the valley,creaking and screaming through the night.Occasionally its lights flashed through the openings in the darkness,dancing on the broad green river like polar lights in the north,and the metallic echo of its steel rumbled against the high walls of the mountains.Gretchen clasped her hands tightly over my hand,trembling to her finger tips.
“Richard,why did you come to see me?”
Her voice was mingled with the screaming metallic echo of the train that now seemed far off.
I had expected to find her looking up into my face,but when I turned to her,I saw that she was gazing far down into the valley,down into the warm waters of the river.She knew why I had come,but she did not wish to hear me say why I had.
I did not know why I had come to see her,now.I had liked Gretchen,and I had desired her above anyone else I knew.But I could not tell her that I loved her,after having heard her father speak of love.I was sorry I had come,now after having heard him speak of Gretchens mother as he did.I knew Gretchen would give herself to me,because she loved me;but I had nothing to give her in return.She was beautiful,very beautiful,and I had desired her.That was before.Now,I knew that I could never again think of her as I had come prepared.
“Why did you come,Richard？”
“Why?”
“Yes,Richard;why?”
My eyes closed,and what I felt was the memory of the star-pointed lights twinkling down in the valley and the warmth of the river flowing below and the caress of her fingers as she touched my arm.
“Richard,please tell me why you came.”
“I dont know why I came,Gretchen.”
“If you only loved me.as I love you,Richard,you would know why.”
Her fingers trembled in my hand.I knew she loved me.There had been no doubt in my mind from the first.Gretchen loved me.
“Perhaps I should not have come,”I said.“I made a mistake,Gretchen.I should have stayed away.”
“But you will be here only for tonight,Richard.You are leaving early in the morning.You arent sorry that you came,for just this short time,are you,Richard?”
“I’m not sorry that I am here,Gretchen,but I should not have come.I didn’t know what I was doing.I havent any right to come here.People who love each other are the only ones-”
“But you do love me just a little,don’t you,Richard?You couldn’t possibly love me nearly so much as I love you,but can’t you tell me that you do love me just a little?I’ll feel much happier after you have gone,Richard.”
“I dont know,”I said,trembling.
“Richard,please-”
With her hands in mine I held her tightly.Suddenly I felt something coming over me,a thing that stabbed my body with its quickness.It was as if the words her father had uttered were becoming clear to me.I had not realized before that there was such a love as he had spoken of.I had believed that men never loved women in the same way that a woman loved a man,but now I knew there could be no difference.
We sat silently,holding each others hands for a long time.It was long past midnight,because the lights in the valley below were being turned out;but time did not matter.
Gretchen clung softly to me,looking up into my face and laying her cheek against my shoulder.She was as much mine as a woman ever belongs to a man,but I knew then that I could never force myself to take advantage of her love,and to go away knowing that I had not loved her as she loved me.I had not believed any such thing when I came.I had traveled all that distance to hold her in my arms for a few hours,and then to forget her,perhaps forever.
When it was time for us to go into the house,I got up and put my arms around her.She trembled when I touched her,but she clung to me as tightly as I held her,and the hammering of her heart drove into me,stroke after stroke,like an expanding wedge,the spears of her breasts.
“Richard,kiss me before you go,”she said.
She ran to the door,holding it open for me.She picked up the lamp from the table and walked ahead up the stairs to the floor above.
At my door she waited until I could light her lamp,and then she handed me mine.
“Good night,Gretchen,”I said.
“Good night,Richard.”
I turned down the wick of her lamp to keep it from smoking,and then she went across the hall towards her room.
“Ill call you in the morning in time for you to catch your train,Richard.”
“All right.Gretchcn.Dont let me oversleep,because it leaves the station at seven-thirty.”
“Ill wake you in plenty of time,Richard,”she said.
The door was closed after her,and I turned and went into my room.I shut the door and slowly began to undress.After I had blown out the lamp and had got into bed,lay tensely awake I knew I could never go to sleep,and I sat up in bed and smoked cigarette after cigarette,blowing the smoke through the screen of the window.The house was quiet.Occasionally,I thought I heard the sounds of muffled movements in Gretchens room across the hall,but I was not certain.
I could not determine how long a time I had sat there on the edge of the bed,stiff and erect,thinking of Gretchen,when suddenly I found myself jumping to my feet.I opened the door and ran across the hall.Gretchen’s door was closed,but I knew it would not be locked,and I turned the knob noiselessly.A slender shaft of light broke through the opening I had made.It was not necessary to open the door wider,because I saw Gretchen only a few steps away,almost within arm’s reach of me.I closed my eyes lightly for a moment,thinking of her as I had all during the days ride up from the coast.
Gretchen had not heard me open the door,and she did not know I was there.Her lamp was burning brightly on the table.
I had not expected to find her awake,and I had thought surely she would be in bed.She knelt on the rug beside her bed,her head bowed over her arms and her body shaken with sobs.
Gretchens hair was lying over her shoulders,tied over the top of her head with a pale blue ribbon.Her nightgown was white silk,hemmed with a delicate lace,and around her neck the collar of lace was thrown open.
I knew how beautiful she was when I saw her then,even though I had always thought her lovely.I had never seen a girl so beautiful as Gretchen.
She had not heard me at her door,and she still did not know I was there.She knelt beside her bed,her hands clenched before her,crying.
When I had first opened the door,I did not know what I was about to do,but now that I had seen her in her room,kneeling in prayer beside her bed,unaware that I was looking upon her and hearing her words and sobs,I was certain that I could never care for anyone else as I did for her.I had not known until then,but in the revelation of a few seconds I knew that I did love her.
I closed the door softly and went back to my room.There I found a chair and placed it beside the window to wait for the coming of day.At the window I sat and looked down into the bottom of the valley where the warm river lay.As my eyes grew more accustomed to the darkness,I felt as if I were coming closer and closer to it,so close that I might have reached out and touched the warm water with my hands.
Later in the night,towards morning,I thought I heard someone in Gretchens room moving softly over the floor as one who would go from window to window.Once I was certain I heard someone in the hall,close to my door.
When the sun rose over the top of the mountain,I got up and dressed.Later,I heard Gretchen leave her room and go downstairs.I knew she was hurrying to prepare breakfast for me before I left to get on the train.I waited a while,and after a quarter of an hour I heard her coming back up the stairs.She knocked softly on my door,calling my name several times.
I jerked open the door and faced her.She was so surprised at seeing me there,when she had expected to find me still asleep,that she could not say anything for a moment.
“Gretchen,”I said,grasping her hands,“don’t hurry to get me off-I’m not going back this morning-I dont know what was the matter with me last night-I know now that I love you-”
“Bat,Richard-last night you said-”
“I did say last night that I was going back early this morning,Gretchen,but I didn’t know what I was talking about.I’m not going back now until you go with me.Ill tell you what I mean as Soon as breakfast is over.But first of all I wish.you would show me how to get down to the river.I have got to go down there right away and feel the water with my hands.”
司機在吊橋旁邊停了車，向我指了一下河對岸的房屋。從火車站到這裏，大概兩英裏，於是我付給他兩角五分錢便下車了。司機離開後，我感覺很孤單，此時，隻有淒冷的夜晚和星星點點的燈光在山穀中閃爍，而腳下寬闊碧綠的河水則冒著熱氣在流淌。山巒向四周蜿蜒，恰如夜空中的烏雲。隻有眺望遠方，才可以依稀看到落日暗淡的餘暉。
踏上吊橋後，小橋隨著我腳步的節奏，開始擺動。很快，強烈的搖晃使我幾乎無法邁步。隻有走得越來越快，才能將我自己粘在如鍾擺一樣搖晃的橋上。當最後我望見彼岸的時候，那裏的山猛然撲過來，栽入溫暖的河水中。我把手提包抓得更緊了，盡我所能地跑起來。
盡管到了對岸，雙腳踩在礫石小路上嘎吱作響，我依舊有些害怕。我知道如果是在白天，我會毫無懼色地走過這座橋。可是在晚上，在一個完全陌生的鄉村，四周黑山聳立，腳下寬闊黛綠的河水長流不息，麵對此情此景我的手不由自主地顫抖起來，心髒也開始劇烈地跳動起來。
我很容易就找到了那幢房子。回想起剛才過河時的奔跑，不禁自嘲般地大笑了起來。過橋後，首先映入眼簾的就是那幢房子。就算我沒有看到，格萊琴也會叫我的。她在門廊台階上站著，正在等我。聽見她用那熟悉的聲音呼喊我的名字時，我為自己被四周群山和腳下寬闊的河水嚇倒而感到有些羞愧。
沿著礫石路，她跑下來接我。
“吊橋嚇壞你了吧，理查德？”她很興奮地問道，雙手挽住我的胳膊，帶我走到上麵的房子去。
“我想確實是這樣的，格萊琴，”我回答說，“不過總算跑過來了。”
“開始的時候，每個人都會努力的，可經過一次，就像在繃索上走。小的時候，我常常走繃索——你沒走過嗎，理查德？我們曾經把繩子在穀倉的地麵上拉直，在上麵練習過的。”
“我也走過，可那是很久遠的事了，現在我早就忘記怎麽走的了。”
登上台階，我們就向門廊走去。格萊琴帶我走到了廳堂門口。屋裏有人拿出一盞燈到廳堂。通過越來越近的燈光，我看見格萊琴的兩個妹妹站在門口。
“這是我的小妹妹安妮，”格萊琴說，“這是瑪麗。”
在半明半暗中，我和她們說著話，走進了廳堂。格萊琴的父親正在桌旁站著，他將手中的燈稍稍傾斜，以便看清我的臉。我以前從未見過他。
“這是我的父親，”格萊琴說，“他還擔心在黑暗中你會找不到我們的房屋。”
“本來是要提著燈去橋頭接你，但是格萊琴說，你肯定能找到。迷路了沒？我本來應該帶盞燈下去的，一點都不麻煩。”
我和他握著手，告訴他我找到這裏很容易。
“在河對岸的時候，出租車司機就指給我房子在哪裏了。我盯著燈光，一刻也沒有離開。如果沒有燈光，我或許還在黑暗中的某個地方跌撞著，或許掉進了河裏！”
他笑我害怕這條河。
你不要放在心上，河水很溫暖。即使是冬天，冰天雪地，河水依舊像舒服的房間一樣暖和。所有住在這裏的人都喜歡這裏的河水。
“不，理查德，你不會掉進河裏的，”格萊琴說的時候，把她的手放進了我的手裏，“你一下汽車，我就看見你了。如果你方向走錯一步，我就準備跑過來。”
我真想感謝格萊琴的這番話，可是，她已經走到樓梯口叫我過去了。我把手提包放在身前，和她一起上樓。在樓上廳堂的盡頭，有一張桌子，桌子上放著一盞帶著燈罩的燈，燈火調得不大。她拿起燈，徑直走進前麵的一間房裏。
我們默默望著對方，站了一會兒。
“理查德，水罐裏有清水。如果你還想要什麽，告訴我就行了。我盡量不漏掉什麽東西。”
“不用擔心，格萊琴，”我告訴她，“我不會再要什麽了。隻要能和你在一起，就足夠了。其他東西我都不在意。”
她迅速看了我一眼，然後垂下了眼簾。好幾分鍾，我們就這樣默默地站著，不知道說什麽好。我想告訴她，和她在一起，哪怕隻有今晚，我也會感到非常快活的。不過，我覺得我應該晚一會兒再說。她知道我為什麽來這裏。
“我把燈給你，理查德。在樓下的走廊裏，我等著你，你收拾好了就下來吧。”
我還沒來得及拿燈到梯頂給她照一下路，她就已經離開了。等我拿起燈的時候，她早已消失在樓下了。
走進房間，我關上了門，用肥皂和刷子洗掉臉上粘在臉和手上的灰塵。在掛物架上，一排手工的繡花毛巾晾在那裏，我拿一條擦幹臉和手。然後把頭發梳整齊，又從手提包裏找出一條幹淨的手帕。最後才開門下樓，去找格萊琴。
她和父親坐在在走廊上。我從門道走過的時候，他站起身，給了我一把椅子放在他們中間。格萊琴把她的椅子向我拉近一點，然後用手撫摸著我的胳膊。
“這是你第一次來山區吧，理查德？”她的父親把椅子轉過來，對著我。
“這一百英裏之內，我從未來過，先生。這是一個完全不同的地方。我想，如果你去海濱，你的想法也是這樣的，不對嗎？”
“哦，我的父親曾經在諾福克生活。”格萊琴說，“不是嗎，父親？”
“我在那裏生活了將近三年。”
他似乎還有話要說，所以我們等著他繼續說。
“爸爸是個技工頭，”格萊琴小聲地對我說，“他工作的地方是鐵路機械廠。”
“沒錯，”過了一會兒，他說，“我在很多地方生活過，可是這裏才是我想生活下去的地方。”
我第一個念頭就是想問他，為什麽他不喜歡其他地方，卻偏偏對這個山溝情有獨鍾。可我突然意識到，他和格萊琴都沉默了，非常奇怪。在他們兩個中間，我異常茫然。
過了一會兒，他又開始說話了，但不是對我說，也不是對格萊琴說，好像是對門廊裏的另外一個人，一個在黑暗中我看不見的人說話。我又緊張又激動，等著他接著說。
格萊琴又把她的椅子往我這邊拉近了些，輕輕地，沒有一點聲音。寒冷的夜裏，河水溫暖的蒸汽籠罩上來，就像是寒夜裏的一床毛毯。
“在格萊琴姐妹們失去母親後，”他低聲說道，聲音小得幾乎聽不見。他向前探了探身子，朝寬闊、幽綠的河彼岸遠方望去。“在她們的母親去世後，我回到山裏生活，我不能在諾福克生活，也忍受不了巴爾的摩的生活。在這個世界上，我隻有在這片土地上才能找到安寧。格萊琴懷念她的母親，但你們無法理解，對我來說，這意味著什麽。我和她的母親都出生於此，在這裏共同生活了將近二十年。後來，她去世了，我愚蠢地以為換個環境就能忘記往事，所以我搬家了。但是，我錯了，大錯特錯，一個男人永遠不會忘記他孩子的母親，哪怕他知道自己永遠也見不到她。”
格萊琴斜著身子，靠我靠得更近了，我一直望著身旁她那朦朧的身影。腳下的河水寂靜無聲，但暖暖的河水蒸汽卻讓我無法忘記它的存在。
在椅子上，她父親的身體前傾得愈加厲害了。後來，他將雙臂放在在膝蓋上，就好像正試圖尋找彼岸高山上的某個人似的。敞開門道裏射過來的光線照在他的眼睛上閃閃發光。眼淚如散開的星星一般從他的臉上滑下來，滴在他顫抖的手上，直到看不見。
過了一會兒，他仍沉默不語，隻是站起來向門口走去。進屋前，他站在那裏待了一會兒，高大的身影倒映在我和格萊琴的身上。我轉身看著他，然而，盡管他就在我的眼前走過，我卻不敢正視他。
格萊琴向我靠得更近了，她將手指塞進我的拳心，臉頰蹭著我的肩膀，似乎要把臉上的什麽東西蹭下來似的。她父親的腳步聲越來越小，最後，終於聽不見了。
在我們的下麵，順著河岸，有一輛特快列車從峽穀中疾馳而過，嘎吱作響的車輪聲和汽笛的尖叫聲，劃破了夜空的沉寂。火車的光亮時不時地透過車窗，在寬闊、碧綠的河上跳躍著，如同北極的星光在漆黑的曠野上掠過。火車隆隆的聲響回**在山巒屏障裏。格萊琴緊緊地抓著我的手，指尖都在顫抖。
“理查德，你為什麽來看我呢？”
她的聲音混雜在似乎遠去的火車隆隆的回聲裏。
我本以為她會抬頭望著我，可當我轉過頭的時候，發現她卻朝山穀深處望去，望著那暖暖的河流。她知道我為什麽來這裏，可她不希望我親口告訴她原因。
現在，我也不知道我為什麽來看她。我曾經喜歡過格萊琴，在所有認識的女孩中，我最想得到的就是她。但是，聽完她父親對愛情的理解後，我不能告訴她我愛她。聽完他對格萊琴母親做的一切，我後悔來到這裏。我知道格萊琴會為我獻身，因為她愛我，但我沒有任何東西回報她。她很漂亮，非常漂亮，我曾經渴望得到她，但那是從前了。現在，我知道了，我再也不能像從前那樣思念她了。
“你為什麽來呢，理查德？”
“為什麽？”
“是啊，理查德，你為什麽來？”
我閉上眼睛，能感覺到的是記憶中峽穀中閃爍的點點星光，下麵那溫暖的河水，還有她手指撫摸我時的溫情。
“理查德，請告訴我你來的原因。”
“格萊琴，我不知道我為什麽來這裏。”
“如果你隻愛我，就像我愛你那樣，理查德，你就會知道你是為什麽來這裏的。”
她的手指顫抖起來，我知道她愛我。從一開始，我就從沒懷疑過，格萊琴愛我。
“或許我就不該來，”我說，“我錯了，格萊琴，我應該離你遠一點。”
“可是理查德，你隻是今晚在這裏。明天清晨，你就離開了，你不會為你的到來，僅僅是今晚這麽短的時間後悔吧，理查德？”
“我不後悔來到這裏，格萊琴，但是，我覺得我不該來。自己在做什麽，我自己都不知道。我沒有任何權利來這裏。彼此相愛的人才是那唯一的——”
“但是，你真的對我是有那麽一點愛意的，不對嗎，理查德？或許，你不可能像我愛你那樣愛得那麽深，可是，你就不能告訴我，你對我確實有點愛意嗎？這樣，縱然你離開後，我也會感到幸福的，理查德。”
“我不知道。”我顫抖著說。
“理查德，請——”
我緊緊握著她的手。突然，我感到什麽東西攫住我，以迅雷不及掩耳之勢刺痛了我的全身。我仿佛一下子明白了她父親說的話。在此之前，我從未意識到世間還有他所談到的那種愛。我曾經認為，男人愛女人與女人愛男人的方式是不會一樣的。但我現在明白了，兩者之間根本沒有任何差別。
我們靜靜地坐著，很長時間，彼此握著手。峽穀下麵的燈光正在熄滅，我們知道午夜過去了很長時間。但是，時間對我們沒有什麽影響。
格萊琴軟軟地依偎在我的身邊。她望著我的臉頰，臉頰靠在我的肩膀上，如同我的女人一樣。但是，我很明白：我不像她愛我那樣愛她，所以，我不能強迫自己欺騙她的愛情，然後遠走高飛。我來的時候，一點都不相信愛情之類的東西。為了擁她入懷幾個小時，我從遠方來到這裏就是為了擁她入懷，哪怕隻有幾個小時，然後，我就忘記她，或許是永遠忘記。
到了進屋的時候了，我站起來，雙臂抱著她。當我撫摸她的時候，她顫抖起來，但是，她仍然像我擁抱她時一樣，緊緊地靠在我的懷裏。她咚咚跳動的心髒撞擊著我。她的胸膛像海浪般，劇烈地起伏著。
“理查德，在你離開之前，吻吻我吧。”她說。
她跑到門口，給我打開門，然後從桌子上拿起燈，走在前麵，上了樓梯。
在我到門口前，在我沒點亮燈之前，她一直等著。點亮燈後，她把燈遞給了我。
“晚安，格萊琴。”我說。
“晚安，理查德。”
我把她的燈芯擰小，以防冒煙。然後，她穿過廳堂，向自己的房間走去。
“明天早上，我會及時叫醒你，讓你去趕火車的，理查德。”
“好的，格萊琴，別讓我睡過了，七點半的時候火車就開了。”
“我早一點叫醒你吧，理查德。”她說。
進屋後，她關上門，我轉身進了自己的房間。我關上門，慢慢地把衣服脫下來。吹滅燈後，我緊張地躺在**，但是睡不著。我知道我是睡不著了，於是坐在**，開始一根一根地抽煙，煙霧吹到紗窗外。房子靜悄悄的，偶爾，我似乎還能聽到一些壓抑動作的聲音，似乎是從廳堂對麵格萊琴的房間傳過來的，可是我不確定。
在床邊坐了多長時間，我不知道，我就是這樣直挺挺地坐著，想著格萊琴。突然，我跳起來打開門，跑過廳堂。格萊琴的房門緊閉著，但我知道沒有反鎖。於是輕輕轉動把手。通過我打開的房門，一道微弱的燈光斜射過來。敞開房門是沒必要了，我看見她和我之間的距離隻有幾步遠，一伸手就可以摸到她了。我默默地閉上眼睛，想了她一會兒，如同白天從海濱驅車來這裏一樣，一直想著她。
格萊琴既沒有聽到我開門，也不知道我在她身後站著。她桌上的那盞燈明亮地燃燒著。
我沒想到她還沒睡覺。我以為她一定上床睡覺了呢。她在床邊的小地毯上跪著，把頭埋在臂彎裏，隨著抽泣聲，身體一顫一顫的。
格萊琴的頭發在肩上披散開來，隻紮著一根淡藍色的緞帶。她穿著一襲白色絲綢睡衣，睡衣上嵌有精致的蕾絲花邊，紮著花邊的領口敞開著。
盡管我過去一直都認為格萊琴漂亮，可這時，我才發現她簡直漂亮得無與倫比。我還沒有見過哪個女孩像格萊琴這樣美麗可愛。
她沒有聽到我在她的門口，仍然不知道我在那裏站著。她在床邊跪著，雙手攤在**，哭泣著。
開始推開門的時候，我也不知道要做什麽，可是，現在看到她在房間的床邊祈禱，甚至沒有發覺我望著她，聽她禱告、抽噎，我才確信，自己對她的關愛遠勝於其他任何人。直到那時，經曆了這幾秒鍾之後，我才知道，我的確愛她。
我輕輕地關上門，回到自己的房間。我找了把椅子，把它放在窗前，坐著等待黎明的到來。我坐在那裏，俯瞰暖河流經的山穀深處。隨著眼睛漸漸適應黑暗，我似乎感到我離那條河越來越近，似乎隻要一伸手，我就能觸摸到那溫暖的河水。
後半夜的時候，黎明即將來到了，我隱隱聽到在格萊琴的房間，有輕輕走動的聲音，似乎是有人在窗邊來回踱步。有一次，我肯定有人就站在廳堂裏離我房門不遠的地方。
太陽升上山頂的時候，我起床，穿戴整齊。不久，我聽到格萊琴從房間裏走出來、走下樓的聲音。我知道，為了讓我趕上火車，她正忙著給我準備早餐。我等了一會兒，一刻鍾後，我聽到她上樓的聲音。她輕輕地敲著我的房門，喊了好幾遍我的名字。
我一下子打開門，站在她麵前。她本以為我仍在沉睡，所以一時間竟不知所措，詫異地看著我。有好長一段時間，她說不出一句話。
我緊緊地抓著她的手，說：“格萊琴，不要急著讓我離開——今天早上，我不回去了——我不知道我昨天晚上怎麽了——但是我現在才明白，我愛你——”
“但是，理查德——昨天晚上，你說過——”
“昨天晚上，我的確說過今天清晨要走，格萊琴，可我不知道當時我在胡說什麽。現在我不走了，除非你和我一起走。一吃過早餐，我就告訴你我是怎麽想的。但是首先，我希望你告訴我怎樣才能到河邊去，我要馬上去那裏，然後用雙手去感受溫暖的河水。”
心靈小語
激發內心深處的觸動，那才是你心靈深處的聲音。
詞匯筆記
porch[p?:t?]n.門廊
he heard footsteps on the porch.
他聽到樓道裏有腳步聲。
whisper[hwisp?]v.低聲說；耳語；嘀咕；低語；私語；小聲說
Did she whisper in your ear at the meeting?
開會時，她跟你私下交談了嗎？
inaudibly[in?:d?bli]adv.聽不見似地；不可聞地
she spoke inaudibly low.
她說話的聲音低得無法聽到。
strained[streind]adj.緊張的；不友善的
He realized that she was too strained.
他意識到她太緊張了。
小試身手
火車的光亮時不時地透過車窗，在寬闊、碧綠的河上跳躍著，如同北極的星光，在漆黑的曠野上掠過。火車隆隆的聲響回**在山巒屏障裏。
我曾經認為，男人愛女人與女人愛男人的方式是不會一樣的。但我現在明白了，兩者之間根本沒有任何差別。
短語家族
The house was the first one to come upon after leaving the footbridge,and even if I should have missed it.
Even if：即使；縱然
I knew then that I could never force myself to take advantage of her love,and to go away knowing that I had not loved her as she loved me.
Take advantage of：利用；趁……之機